i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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