He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize