Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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