i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
