so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
