My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
there's paper in my vomit.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he thought i was a dude.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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