I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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