Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dick very happy bro
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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