oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize