Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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