I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
