Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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