Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
