On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize