Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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