I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize