Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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