He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
