Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
