I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
