it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
