you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
