Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
