I want to have your abortion
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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