I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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