He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize