She is in my trunk
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
