dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
