She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We have so much sex to catch up on
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
