Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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