this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
