Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
