Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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