I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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