Old men and throwing up are my life now.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
