A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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