Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
