Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
