It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
