I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
