the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
