Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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