Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
