Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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