I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
