i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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