Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
