Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
