I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
