Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
