That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
