maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
