I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
