thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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