my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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