I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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