If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How does it feel to date your dad?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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