I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
