New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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