Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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