When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
