Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
