thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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