have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
