I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
