Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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